I said some time ago that I thought we needed to complete our vasanas, or latent reaction patterns, if we wanted a smooth and easy Ascension.
Now that the process of physical Ascension has apparently begun, we may find our uncompleted vasanas or unfinished business going off. I know mine is and are. So I’ll be completing some of mine publicly as they go off to show how the process works. See On Processing Vasanas for more on this subject.
In this particular article, I discover that the process of physical Ascension, now started, is causing my leftover vasanas to go off and complete the one that explodes.
In the past twenty-four hours, the world has been jolted once again by an outbreak of senseless, tragic violence.
At the same time, in my inner world, I also have gone through perhaps twenty-four hours of extreme rigidity, self-righteousness, and angry reactivity, followed by hours and hours of vertigo so bad that even lying down didn’t help.
The Divine Mother said today that we’re already in the process of Ascension. (1) Goldenlight’s sources said:
“You are experiencing the beginning of the physical ascension process, your 3d body is beginning to transition into the higher frequencies, the water and fluids in your body are beginning to vibrate at a higher frequency. … Resistance or being out of the flow may cause you to feel slight symptoms such as the channel was just experiencing.” (2)
Slight symptoms? Others around me have been communicating a gamut of experiences ranging from such a tremendous expansion of consciousness it sets their teeth chattering to walking into walls (i.e., vertigo). I have been sicker than I’ve ever been in my life.
I’d like to grace my own experience with dignified terms but that would be self-serving. I’d only fool myself.
In fact I haven’t been graceful or dignified at all and the immediate future doesn’t seem to promise a great deal of grace and dignity either.
If this is Ascension, stop the world. I want to get off.
I search and search for something solid, something dependable in this process. There’s something that wants to fall away, something I need to surrender and let go of, something unworkable that I consider to be my “self” that requires me to be aware of it first before I can drop it.
And so I look. What is that side of me that drags me down? What is the “head vampire,” as a friend used to call it, which trips me up repeatedly and directs my own life towards tragedy rather than fulfilment?
I’ve resolved to see everything that happens within me in these last few days as an artifact, an outcome of the Ascension process so what is it now that requires being left behind if I’m to free myself from my self-imposed chains?
I know that one’s very virtues carried to extremes become one’s failings. What makes those failings so difficult to see is that we rigidly insist on seeing them as our virtues. We won’t admit that our virtues could become our failings. If we did, we think we’d be invalidating our whole life.
I’ve seen my lifelong commitment to social justice as my virtue. But the extremes I go to in fulfilment of that goal become my vice. In the service of social justice I’ve been angry, self-righteous, even violent at times. Because it all has been in “a good cause,” the corrupting side of it remains hidden to me. But it’s staring me in the face at this moment.
I remember whooping several people in my life who came at me with violent ends. I was defending myself, I said. But even then I was corrupting myself because I hid the fact that I enjoyed fighting them.
(I know I’m on the right track because my vertigo is clearing.)
Having vowed to help my mother when she was attacked by my father, and having built a self-image around that mission, I left the path of being a whole and rounded being and became a righteous and vindictive doing. I became a justice robot, an avenging fury, and have caused much havoc and hardship around me as a result.
I forgot the end does not justify the means and used any means to see that justice was served. Oh, not in my formal duties. I had enough presence of mind to remain calm and balanced there. But in my private life.
I persuaded myself that, heading in the right direction, it didn’t matter what I did along the way. I see movie after movie passing before my eyes in which this theme figures – Strolnikov in Doctor Zhivago, the wooden, self-righteous judge in western movies, Inspector Jabert in Les Miserables. I let the dictates of my cause come before the dictates of my heart.
(The vertigo subsides more.)
Ordinarily what I’m going through now would be conceived of as a “crisis of conscience.” But we probably recognize it more as an Ascension reconciliation, a dropping of a way of being.
(The vertigo returns. Obviously I haven’t seen it all yet.)
I’ve hidden expediency behind principle. I’ve lied to myself and refused to see me as I really am. I’ve used influence to exact agreement. I’ve used strength to exact silence. Always I use the cause to justify myself and hide behind.
This is not vertigo. I am sick of myself.
This is all coming about because the process of Ascension has indeed started. This is the result of being a lower-vibrational way in an emergent higher dimension. This is third-dimensional behavior that cannot go with me into the new world.
There’s some part of it I haven’t gotten yet. I feel myself in a place that the est Training called “jeopardy.” I have a glimpse of what’s going on with me but I haven’t yet found what it would take to have me be safely free of this. I’m in jeopardy of falling back, remaining blind.
That something isn’t a promise; it isn’t a commitment because I know I could break any of those. It has to be something deeper….
The deeper I go the more what I need to do looms before me. But even as it looms before me, I fight it.
I have to forgive my Dad. It stares me in the face. I stammer it out because, if I did not stammer it out, I would not say it.
It’s being squeezed out of me. I have to forgive my Dad. The price of an easeful Ascension, the unfinished business I have to complete, is that I have to forgive my Dad. And so I breathe deeply as I watch my life pass before me.
My life was not about justice. It was about invalidating my Dad. It was about laying traps for him, blackening his memory, making bad reflections on him, bad comparisons, anything to get even. My life has not been about justice; it’s been about vengeance.
(This is what I need to do. I need to say it.)
At the heart of my mission in life was vengefulness. I became so fearsome that people would stay away from me. I became a human vengeance machine. I exuded, radiated anger and fearsomeness, like some Japanese kabuki actor.
I dedicated my life to bringing down all the Dads in the world, culminating in taunting the cabal, daring them to come and get me. All along I fooled myself that I was doing something virtuous when I was no more than one more tough among toughs. An elegant tough but a simple ruffian nonetheless.
This is the deep, dark secret I hide. This is the corrupting truth about myself that I refuse to see. There it is in the light of day. I’m the guy who murdered his father, day after day after day, and lied about it. I’m the guy who dedicated his life to getting even.
Where has the vertigo gone? It has vanished. And now the tears begin….
(1) “Divine Mother: You are in the Process of Ascension,” at
(2) “12-12-12 Message from The Council of Angels and Source via Goldenlight: I Am Always with You, Ever Near, Ever Loving,” at http://the2012scenario.com/2012/12/12-12-12-message-from-the-council-of-angels-and-source-via-goldenlight-i-am-always-with-you-ever-near-ever-loving/